thinking about taking a deep breath and getting back into it ……
Well, this feels a little odd. It”s nearly 6pm on a Friday evening and for the first time in nearly 6 years I don’t have my daughter with me (she’s at a birthday party) and for the first time since my husband passed away I find myself with the opportunity to go out. The only problem is, it’s been so long that I’ve got nowhere to go and no-one to go with and, well, I don’t know if I even have the social know-how any more to know what to do if I did go out. Seems like a real catch twenty-two doesn’t it? For the past three, nearly four years since he died, it hasn’t even been on the radar to go out. I’ve been too busy just trying to exist and keep on keeping on for my 5 nearly 6 year old daughter. And now I’m at the stage where I could potentially -gulp- go out for a drink with some mates there feels like too many insurmountable barriers in the way:
1. Where are my friends? Ok, so I do have friends, but they’re all married, with young children, with their own lives going on that I’m unable to be a part of because I can’t just leave my daughter and go out 2 or 3 times a week (or even once a week, or even once a month) to do all those regular things that normal people my age do – you know, book groups, church home groups, quiz nights, whatever else normal people my age do (I don’t actually know caus I don’t feel normal).
2. I have no idea where I’d go out to anyway. Most of my old haunts have tumbled down and I have absolutely no finger-on-the-pulse of where they might have relocated to or where might be a good alternative.
3.Frankly, I’m too terrified to go out anyway. What would I say? What would I do? Who am I without my husband? I don’t think I’ve managed to rebuild my new alone identity enough that I feel confident in who I am now.
maybe another day ……..
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Hello world!
This is literally my first attempt at a blog so I don’t know what I’m doing! Actually, I don’t really know why I’m doing it either. oh well, no-one knows me so got nothing to lose!
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